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So during lunch I race to the local library to pick up the book waiting on hold for me there. Pride and Prejudice. And Zombies.

I scout out the usual shelves, hoping the website was wrong and there were copies of the other new arrivals for me to check out and devour over the weekend. Finally, I go to the hold shelves and pick up my book.

Pride. Check.

Prejudice. Check.

Zombies. No check.

I raced all the way across town to pick up a copy of a book I already have? Without the extra ultra-cool zombie violence? Are you kidding me? Plus, what am I supposed to do? Go up to the checkout desk and complain about being given a classic of British literature?

Freaky people trying to shove straight Austen down other people's throats.

Is Her Nails Prettier Than Mine Is?

A partial list of television shows I've watched since being left alone in the house:

Saved By The Bell: The College Years (I don't remember co-ed suites at college. Actually, I don't remember rooms big enough for that much furniture. Or full kitchens. Hey, wait a minute...)

Saved By The Bell: The Not College Years (Ahh, high school. Nope, don't remember any of this, either.)

Ace of Cakes (Oh, wacky, wacky Duff. You amuse me so.)

The Next Food Network Star (Four episodes- Melissa so did not deserve to win. But at least the Asian woman is gone- I grew tired of her explaining she was Korean every time she appeared on camera. "These are Asian pears, and did you know I'm Korean?")

So You Think You Can Dance Parts 1 and 2 (Way to go Evan! My favorite dancer is still the guy that jumped the couch in the Singin' in the Rain Broadway routine, but woo hoo to you! Now if you can just hire someone to kneecap Brandon...)

16 and Pregnant (2 episodes, and more funny quotes than one can possibly imagine. For example, "I just want to go out with some friends and drink some beers. It's hard work getting into the Air Force.")

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (4 episodes- ABC Family was running a marathon. Don't even get me started- but I will note that casting Molly Ringwald as the MOTHER in a dramedy makes me feel very, very old. Know what this show needs? Yep, you guessed it. Duckie.)

Bridezillas (2 episodes- I finally had to force myself to go to bed after Karee cursed her mother-in-law for letting her bridesmaid buy leopard-print shoes and get acrylic nails 1/4-inch too long- you can imagine my delight when I checked msnbc this morning and discovered Karee had been arrested because her appearance on the show violated her parole. Now that's reality tv.)

So officially the IQ-level in the Schaefer household drops no less than 50 points when the alpha male is away.

Hurry home, honey. My brain hurts.

Miller Time

A particularly soul crushing day at work.
It's been five o'clock somewhere since 10 AM.
So I plan on parking myself on the couch with a margarita, a book, and hours of mindless television.
Woe to thee who interrupts me.

Ren Faire

Since I last posted my car has been in and out of the garage twice, ants invaded and were repulsed from our home, horrible creepy wormy things infested our shrubbery and were summarily dispatched by my husband's Rain (Reign?) of Death, and I was made a princess by a dragon. I'm assuming you believe the parts about the ants and bagworms and car problems, so here is a picture of the dragon.
I don't know why the woman is doing calisthenics in the background, but she brings me fairly close to my point.

Renaissance Faires (in America at least) don't have anything to do with the Renaissance, do they? As we drove ye olde Liberty eastward Saturday morning, Travis and I tried to pinpoint dates for the Renaissance, hoping to help orient ourselves into the time we would be stepping into.

We probably shouldn't have bothered. If the Middle Ages had a Walmart, that's what we stepped into. The first reenactor we met greeted us with a hale "Huzzah" that fit him only slightly better than the woman's kilt and black fannypack he wore around his waist. Then there were the harem girls. And there were many. Predominantly one size- too large to be wearing coins, veils, and little else. Historical accuracy took a backseat to what was 1) comfortable, 2) cheap, and 3) "close enough to medieval times." Who cares if there weren't ninjas in Dark Age Europe- the costumes look cool- let's wear them!

Neither comfortable nor cheap, but "close enough," the dragon was the best part of the festival (for me anyway). A little man wearing a green velour hooded costume in 90 degree heat, his main reason for being there was selling ice cream. He might actually have sold some, too, between dancing ("I'm doing the dragon dance- that's 'cause every dance I do is the dragon dance. It's nice when it works out that way.") and frolicking with the other Fairegoers.

As we were leaving I overheard the dragon begin to tell another merchant what he did in "real life." I walked away before we could hear more of the story. Ants, bagworms, car troubles- that's the stuff of real life. Sometimes it's nice to stay in the fantasy, even if it has only a tenuous grasp on the truth. And even if it's only for a couple of hours.

Criteria for Deciding Whether Or Not To Eat A Bug

I grew up without cable television. It just wasn't an option in my hometown or my parent's house, for that matter. (And the fact they got a satellite dish after my brother and I moved away is completely beside the point.) Even as an adult, I have only had regular access to cable for about a year now. And no, it still hasn't lost the "present just opened on Christmas morning" novelty yet.

Unfortunately for me, I have an addictive personality and and my imagining of my skill level departs wildly from that wonderful state called, ahem, reality. This makes for interesting aftermath after watching the Food Network. Two hours with the mavens of food television and I believe I am the more faux, less French reincarnation of Julia Child.

The Discovery Channel, however, is much, much worse. Ever seen Survivorman? How about Mythbusters? Now you know where I'm heading with this. Les Stroud, the Survivorman himself, is my television hero. And, consequently, he has the only show after which I don't leave the couch saying, "Now I could DO THAT." He does weird things, he sleeps in weird places, his basic goal is not to die or critically injure himself while on camera. This is not the troubling part of the show for me. I've done a lot of odd things and have slept in odder places. No, where Les and I part ways is his criteria for deciding whether or not to eat a bug.

He has three.

I have one.

Maybe that's why I don't have my own cable show.

Yep, that has to be the reason.

15 Steps, then a Sheer Drop

"How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?" I can't shake the feeling that somehow I've been here before. All is back to normal. Or as "normal" as I get. And yet I still have this weird feeling of deja vu. I guess sometimes I wonder if the storm is really over or if I'm just sitting in the eye of the hurricane.

I need to remind myself success isn't always measured by winning the game. Success is surviving to play again tomorrow.

The Obligatory "Really, I'm Much Better Now" Post

Happy puppies.


Butterflies.


Rainbows.


Lollipops.



I'm feeling much better now, I swear.



Watching some reruns of Cops helped, I think. :-)