The point of the story is I have been tired and out of it all weekend. I would like nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and hibernate until Wednesday, but alas, I am gainfully employed and saddled with "adult responsibilities." Two of which include laundry and getting the week's groceries.
I like getting groceries, but I don't understand one thing- the food I put in my cart on Sunday afternoon is almost never the food I want to eat during the week. I get home from working all day, open the gaping maw of the freezer, and wait for inspiration to strike, not sure what I'm hoping to see, but you can be damn sure whatever it is, it isn't waiting for me there. The sad truth is the decisions I am committed to on Sunday become what I am stuck with on a Tuesday.
Along with a heaping dose of CBS (crybaby syndrome, for those not familiar with this ailment), I seem to have a huge case of "Is this it?"itis. I feel like I'm perpetually in standby- I've spent so much time waiting to get better, waiting to finish college, waiting for the deployment to end, waiting to feel normal again, waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen, that I don't know how to really enjoy the present. I fear life really is in the space between and I'll end up missing it all.
And so tomorrow morning I'll get up and go to work and pretend that what I'm doing means something to someone, that I'm really doing it for something other than a paystub, that I'm doing more than just waiting for the next weekend. It seems a crime that the one thing I spend the most time doing- 8 hours a day, 5 days a week- is the one thing in my life I could walk away from and never look back.
2 comments:
Wow...very well said. I think that's something we all go through. My current job is decent enough but none of us would do what we do if we didn't need the money. And there's something inherently depressing about spending the majority of one's life doing something we only do out of necessity. How do we embrace life and live each day like it's our last when for 10 hours of those days we're in a cubicle doing work that amounts to nothing and helps no one.
Man...
You need a little Zenning out. Although, I question whether we do anything meaningful at, um, that place every minute I am there. I keep telling myself I am exactly where and when I am suppose to be...and then I say to myself, really? No way! Seriously? Apparently more Zen practice is needed.
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