Is Her Nails Prettier Than Mine Is?

A partial list of television shows I've watched since being left alone in the house:

Saved By The Bell: The College Years (I don't remember co-ed suites at college. Actually, I don't remember rooms big enough for that much furniture. Or full kitchens. Hey, wait a minute...)

Saved By The Bell: The Not College Years (Ahh, high school. Nope, don't remember any of this, either.)

Ace of Cakes (Oh, wacky, wacky Duff. You amuse me so.)

The Next Food Network Star (Four episodes- Melissa so did not deserve to win. But at least the Asian woman is gone- I grew tired of her explaining she was Korean every time she appeared on camera. "These are Asian pears, and did you know I'm Korean?")

So You Think You Can Dance Parts 1 and 2 (Way to go Evan! My favorite dancer is still the guy that jumped the couch in the Singin' in the Rain Broadway routine, but woo hoo to you! Now if you can just hire someone to kneecap Brandon...)

16 and Pregnant (2 episodes, and more funny quotes than one can possibly imagine. For example, "I just want to go out with some friends and drink some beers. It's hard work getting into the Air Force.")

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (4 episodes- ABC Family was running a marathon. Don't even get me started- but I will note that casting Molly Ringwald as the MOTHER in a dramedy makes me feel very, very old. Know what this show needs? Yep, you guessed it. Duckie.)

Bridezillas (2 episodes- I finally had to force myself to go to bed after Karee cursed her mother-in-law for letting her bridesmaid buy leopard-print shoes and get acrylic nails 1/4-inch too long- you can imagine my delight when I checked msnbc this morning and discovered Karee had been arrested because her appearance on the show violated her parole. Now that's reality tv.)

So officially the IQ-level in the Schaefer household drops no less than 50 points when the alpha male is away.

Hurry home, honey. My brain hurts.